I seem to find myself lost, once again, in my imagination and big thoughts. I am confused over most things and sometimes I just want to stop, because jealousy has that effect on me. Stop what? My art and writing.
Looking back through these arts I create, pride floods my body and I feel on top of the world. But, not as much as 5 minutes later, I feel like quitting. I get messages from groups, showing off other people's art and I don't usually go through them unless, of course, it is Invader Zim.
When I see other people's style, and good digital and rarely, traditional art, jealousy seems to get to me. I am always jealous about something. And if something could kill me mentally, it would be jealousy.
That jealousy, I've found out, has been killing my self-esteem and I can't seem to find that pride that I used to have. I have been struggling and constantly thinking of putting my art and writing to an end and just focus on other things.
Will I do this? No. Can I do this? No. It is mentally impossible for me to stop the thing I crave dearly. When I have not drawn for a while, I seem to find myself shake uncontrollably and my fingers twitch. And, oddly enough, scratching at my eyes. I couldn't live without it.
But, I find myself searching through the reasons I want to stop. Envious is one of them, yes. But to my disappointment, I found out that I crave attention. That I thrive on it. That attention is my main motivation. Not just because I love drawing, oh no, it's people and music. I always speak of how people are always in my way and how much I dislike the people in our race.
But, I truthfully thrive on the attention. Thus, me putting my art on so many groups. Another thing is, surprisingly, my deviantart friend; Lexi. Yeah, you know who you are if you are even reading this. You're the one I'm most jealous of, envious of, of how you get so many views for your amazing digital art. How I posted so much more art than you, and you still get more attention than me.
I find it funny really, don't be offended. But, it's driving me to insanity. I know, I am young and I'm talented for my age (13) but I just can't seem to find attention. I am ashamed to say that I need it to continue on. That I need it to do the thing I adore most and while never give up, not for my life. I am ashamed to even admit, let alone put it out here to you all to see, that I want it. I don't need it. But, I am young, and I probably haven't fully understood yet.
I am not that normal 13 year old, I have thought of things some highschoolers find overwhelming. Reasons for life. Why we are here. What our purpose is. Speaking of purpose, I wonder what mine is. Everyone has a purpose.
When I think of stopping my art, and how I'm bound to not draw or write for a living, I start to wonder. I haven't decided what I wanted to be when I grow up. I'm not sure. I don't want to be famous, but I do. I don't crave the unwanted attention but I crave attention. I just want my name to be known for the things I love. So what's my deal? I don't even know. All I know is that my crappy art is driving me crazy.
Give up? No. Never.